Possessed by a Spirit

My experience with testing the limits of my being.

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Last night I had a very powerful encounter with a spirit which made me question my perception. A spirit came to me in what I think was a dream, but could have been entirely real. The experience starts with me sitting in a chair in my living room lamenting my lack of engagement with projects I’ve started. I tend to be in my head way too much which sometimes keeps me from acting on desired intentions. Most weekends I am sleeping heavily, even though I don’t even have a bed. I usually either sleep on the couch or on the floor on a pile of clothes with a thick comforter. This time I was napping on my mom’s bed because she wasn’t home, and I had a specific intention to catch myself in the moment between being awake and dreaming.

The experiment came to mind because I try to make the most out of anything I do. Even something as banal as taking a nap is a chance to learn something new about myself. This time I was thinking about the separation we imagine between our conscious life and unconscious life, and also our time spent awake and sleeping. I reflected upon the experience of dreaming; how amazing it is that in a moment of supposed inactivity our minds are active and going on different adventures. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my dreams and sometimes my dreams put me on to things in my awake life. Babies and non-human lifeforms all dream. We are always active and living even when we are asleep. So I don’t think we actually ever lack consciousness, or at least that is what I was testing. I wanted to try and catch the moment between being awake and dreaming to see what exactly was there in the moment of nothingness.

It took me some time to fall asleep and like usual I spent most of that time thinking about relationships, desires, worries and so on. I didn’t feel overly tired but that was probably better for this experiment that required a lot of mindfulness. Still, I didn’t realize when I slipped into slumber and was soon in the grips of a very deceptive hallucination. I was sitting in a room which I recognized as my own but didn’t resemble any room in my house. It was dark and the only things in the room were a table with a laptop and some books and the couch I was sitting on. Suddenly I hear a noise come from the front door in my dream. I panic slightly and hide under the couch. It was a familiar reaction from when I was a child. If I ever sensed danger like a monster or perhaps a beating from a parental authority figure, I would hide under the covers, under the bed, or in the closet. Sometimes I would hide for hours in a closet just to try and scare someone or freak out my family and make them think I went missing.

The moment of fear passed in the dream and I came out of hiding. This whole time I’m still not conscious of the experience of dreaming. Lucid dreaming isn’t a skill of mine. I am transported somehow to the exact position I was in when I started my nap: in my mom’s bed, covers on, trying to fall asleep. This transition is one of contention in my mind. Did I maybe wake up from a dream and was fully conscious in that moment? Was it just one of those dreams which lines up directly with what I was doing before I fell asleep?

I heard a noise and felt a sudden energy enter the room. I was sure I was not alone. When I tried to move I felt resistance like something was stopping me. Instantly I freaked out and tried everything to snap out of what felt like a spiritual possession. I threw things and they wouldn’t travel their normal distance almost like they bumped into something. My legs floated in the air and I couldn’t move them. I could move my hands with difficulty, because it felt like they were being held. When I tried to yell for help I knew it was futile because no one was around. Still I banged the bed frame against the wall to try and alert anyone to come help me. I thought I was going to die. I pushed as hard as I could and finally got off the bed to try and reach my cell phone which I left in a different room. When I stood up I stumbled and could barely take a step. Fighting I reached for this piece of furniture to pull myself forward but the thing fell on the floor and I was pulled back into the bed. I felt totally powerless. Finally, in one last desperate attempt to save myself I focused on a thought. “Just like you are about to get up from bed for some water. Just calmly get up.”

Right then, I was freed. I was out of breath but in the same exact situation as the hallucination: in bed, under the covers, laying down straight. I got out of bed and stumbled toward the living room and turned on the light. The energy in the room began to normalize, but I was in shock. I felt completely distraught. The whole thing felt completely real. It was an overpowering experience which left me questioning my perception. I questioned my anti-capitalist beliefs. I questioned not believing in god or gods. I questioned my perception of reality. Holding on to the anti-capitalist beliefs which got me this far, I thought about Caliban and the Witch and how in early capitalism it was necessary for the capitalists and the state to wage war on spirits and any so called irrational beliefs. We have been conditioned to reject the spiritual elements of our universe (the so-called supernatural), or at the very least keep them at distance. I stopped thinking about the spirit as something which was trying to hurt me or punish me and started thinking about it as something I simply don’t understand.

There are things which happen every day which I cannot explain or understand. This was one of them. I think I just freaked out because it was such a strange situation and I was not able to control what was happening. I thought about what it is like to not have control over one’s actions and compared it to ideology. The experience reminded me of the way we all do things we don’t want to do everyday to exist in this capitalist discipline. I starting thinking about my project to have total control over my thoughts and actions. I thought about how that might be impossible, and how to reconcile the limits of self-control with the project for total freedom. I am rethinking what total freedom could mean but in no way does this make me resign to the powers that be in our current society. It does not make me want to turn back to religion or capitalist work discipline. Instead the experience empowers me to think we have spiritual/ supernatural aids in our mission and project for liberation. We should not forget about all the life which plays in the universe. We are only a part of the entire situation and we might never be able to comprehend all of it. The care and mindfulness necessary to live in a society where not everything is exposed and we don’t understand things but still coexist peacefully is a challenge. I wasn’t able to embrace the spirit in the hallucination. I fought it the whole time. But I don’t think the spirit minded. The last thing I realized is I spend some of my time contemplating suicide (less than I used to) which I think of as another obstacle towards free engagement with living. In this situation in which I thought I would die, I fought for my life. It is a sign for me to fight harder against that type of thinking, and to trust the natural energy of my body and the energy around me.

Pornography is Spoiling All the Orgone Energy

Porn is more capitalist than wage labor

I hate pornography. Straight porn in particular but gay porn is really bad too.

It is so trash. What the fuck!? That shit is so weird. To have such a corrupt and bankrupt sexual relationship with images is mad fucked. Seriously, it is too easy to point out how shitty the porn industry is. Put aside any “female friendly” porn which exists. Even that stuff perpetuates beauty standards and sexual ethics comparable to an afternoon in church. The way these videos and pictures fulfill the duty of molding normative sexuality is comparable to an education in wage labor. On the regular, we reproduce the relationships which reproduce capital.

Pornography is a like a billion dollar industry, I think, and hosts a lot of internet activity. Most of the time we talk about it like a dirty little secret or not at all. What we watch to gratify our sexual desire is totally controlled by capitalist markets and is usually mad embarrassing. I will struggle to admit the shit I watch, but also I hate watching it. I’ve watched it because it is the express route to a routine orgasm to continue with my slave existence. Just that dynamic alone is evident of sexual repression. To treat an orgasm as something so frivolous like brushing my teeth or smoking a joint is repression. Not enough care is paid to sexual enjoyment. And also since porn is a major outlet for sexual experience, it is used as an avenue for racist beauty standards and misogynist practices.

I have only seen a porn-man’s face like 4 times, ever. Porn dudes are like disembodied penises. They are meant to facilitate a fantasy of male entitlement. Men can put themselves in the position of the porn guy and live out the wildest fantasies of racist, sexist, hetero patriarchy. I’m honestly done with pornography. It is one of those things most people don’t include in insurrectionist ethics, but exploitative sexuality is the same if not worse than wage labor itself. We are all fucked over by pornography.

I’ve been conditioned to release my orgone energy through masturbating using images mostly. The porn I’ve watched is male centered and degrading to women which models a patriarchal society. This has shaped the majority of my sexual imagination and other porn watcher’s imagination as well. The way orgasm industries use women and cater to men is a form of socialized sex slavery. The orgasm gap between men and women is another symptom of the larger issue of male domination especially when it comes to pleasure.

I’m not a man. I am a creative nothing. I want sexuality to not be a thing and free engagement with pleasure to replace it. That being said I currently actualize my desire for free sexuality by doing nothing. I use my time for pleasure writing these blog posts and getting ready for the extinction of humanity. I want to learn more about sex and how to use orgasmic energy to overthrow capitalism though. I know it is an unusual thing to say. It is one of the reasons I read Riech now. I think I experience more orgasms now from reading than from masturbation. I’m definitely sexually repressed, but I am also very skeptical of sexual expression in our epoch. Sexual expression makes me anxious, so I’d rather just talk about it for now. I regret having been a man in patriarchal society. I regret ever watching porn or supporting the sexualizing of women’s bodies and the racism associated with it too. I really regret existing as a semi-willing participant in our society. Sometimes that makes me want to kill myself, but other times I find hope in meeting other people who are cooler than me.

Maybe we’ll be able to experience sexual liberation one day, but if we don’t I’ll be just as happy with the awareness of how fucked our society is and the good memories I’ve had with friends and enemies.

Video Collage 1: What Possessed You?

This video collage composes of images and videos taken at different times for different purposes put together with sounds and clips from the internet.  It reveals the character of the different energies which possess an invisible flow moving in my mind.   

This video collage composes of images and videos taken at different times for different purposes put together with sounds and clips from the internet.  It reveals the character of the different energies which possess an invisible flow moving in my mind.

Rethink Participation: Voting is a Lie

Our oppressors will never let us vote their power away. Direct action is power.

I don’t want to vote, because fuck voting. Today was supposed to be a primary election in the city I’ve always lived, NYC. Due to my long-standing beef with this city, this country, and all governments everywhere, I did not participate. I won’t give any legitimacy to an occupying force which passes itself off as a necessity for us people who they claim are too barbaric to exist without the state.

When thinking about this issue from a basic historical perspective, voting is manufactured consent for state violence. Historically, conquered people have never had a chance to vote, and I doubt they would vote for conquerors if they did. Conquered people have always been subjected to the violence of those who do vote. Black people, women, immigrants, and indigenous people in America haven’t had a truly protected right to vote for almost our whole nation’s history. Even today, millions of people in the USA are incarcerated or are formerly incarcerated and hence are still openly denied the right to vote. How has this relationship between the conquerors and the conquered developed? How did we go from being conquered people without a say in the rules or rulers which regulate our behavior, to fighting for freedom from our oppressors and being given the right to vote?

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The right to vote is an illusion of choice. As liberation movements have grown stronger throughout history and gained the necessary perspective to abolish the rulers’ systems, the rulers have appeased us with an illusion of choice to slow down our momentum for irreversible self awareness of our power for self-determination. Think about being a part of the liberation movements in the 60’s and the 70’s when people were organizing for the abolition of capitalism, and some groups even for an entire rethinking of life. I’m thinking about the powerful eruptions in 1968, and particularly the Occupations Movement in France which had a radical vision for the liberation of everyday life, production for the producers, and the abolition of hierarchy and authority. The main groups which stopped the uprising were the bureaucratic Marxist groups who called off the worker-student national strike. The Marxist groups lacked an anti-authoritarian perspective, and maintained loyalty to the structure of civilization which manipulates and domesticates our passions. The traitors were of course pro-voting even though the community had no use for voting or any other parliamentary procedures. In this situation, it is most glaring that pro-voting and everything it is associated with is anti-community.

In America only when resistance was reaching a peak and the emergence of a self-determined free community was eminent, was the United States willing to make Jim Crow unconstitutional and pass the Civil Rights Act of 1963. Voting rights are not a positive outcome for which we fought. The right to vote is actually a way to stop the momentum of the decolonization of life and the liberation of our communal capabilities. Voting only gives people one choice: to be ruled. The rulers will never let us vote their power away.

Voting also divides us. We are split up into imaginary parties of a centralized bureaucracy which turns each person into an independent interest. We go in secrecy to choose our favorable candidate and corresponding political stances with which we identify. Yet the act of voting neglects the process of forming communities which would make our desires a reality. Voting poses as a unifying political activity, but is in fact a higher degree of separation which destroys unity.

Why do we still fight for voting? Because it makes us citizens? Because it is endorsed as the right thing to do? Some may say if you love your family, your country, or your history, then you will use your vote to make a difference. The morality of voting hides the choice which looms in the shadows of our domestication. The choice which never gets honored is the choice to live without outside authority deciding how we shall be ruled. In fact the concepts of family, country, and history are all manipulated to form our identity and the way we relate to reality to enforce the structures of state authority.

In Puerto Rico, the referendum is used to give the American occupying force a sort of phantom approval. The referendum provides an outlet for the tension of colonization. In this situation a vote is almost like honoring the conversation of Puerto Rican liberation to manipulate the energy of the people on the island. Puerto Ricans feel like they can choose their destiny in these votes, but the only destiny ever lived is the destiny of decay and more colonization. This year most people and even the political parties boycotted the referendum. The boycott resurfaced the conversation about the colonial status of Puerto Rico. When most people do not consent to a practice with no future, it opens the conversation for new practices and to expose the illegitimacy of the old ones. If we are able to look at our political situation as something which involves every aspect of our lives and take direct action to change the problems at the root unleashing our repressed desires, we would no longer be ruled and would be able to form a free community. Let’s walk away from the ballot box and rethink participation.

history

Time to Schizomorph

Check out the first post of Schizomorphosis which predictably explains why this thing exists.

Schizomorphosis is a word I made up judging by the little red squiggly line which tells me, “this is not a word in this language! Spell something which is a word!” .  It combines the root schizo with the other root morph and then the ending -osis to make it sound cool.  I’m not really a professional linguist although I do like linguistics.  Having to try and be right about everything is so much work. We are all trying to adapt to a single standard of correctness and it is kind of boring. I would rather just be. By just being an honest version of myself who is curious, playful, sad sometimes, and always trying to grow, I can have more fun and learn more about myself and who I want to be at any given moment. Deleuze and Guattari have inspired me to use the word schizo for this blog. Their book Anti-Oedipus (which I haven’t finished reading yet, but will be posting about as I go along) replaces psychoanalysis with schizoanalysis  analyzing the subject’s consciousness from the view-point of schizophrenia embracing difference instead of thinking of people as being either normal or abnormal.  According to the preface by Michel Foucault it is also the guide to living a non-fascist life. I highly recommend you read it and you’ll probably even finish it before me.

This blog embraces difference.  It also embraces transformation, hence, the second root word morph. If we are not trying to get better (assuming we want to change for the better) then we are trying to stay the same (or get worse… yikes).  Looking at society at a greater level of generality than the individual we can see this thing called Capitalism has been existing for a very long time.  In order for Capitalism to continue it has actually transformed our lives so we can fit it in every single way, except for our deep drive for freedom which it actually does co-opt to make us think freedom=money. But actually that is reification (a word I learned from Lukacs). Money is about having the power to do things and make things happen. Whoever controls the money controls what happens, and everyone else must obey the rules set by those with money if they want to do anything.  A life without money mediating who gets what or how we live would be much better for everyone to be free. As of now we are only free to do what pays and spend money on the things which we have no real say in making.

“What could possibly replace a money economy!?!?!?!?!” You might be asking this question. Well… Nothing with a capital “N”. Humans have lived without money for millions of years.  We don’t actually need it to survive. We just need the real things money can buy. “But that was only on a small scale, what about now!?!?!? A money-less economy could never work with all these people who I never talk to and have no desire to talk to either!!!” You might be saying these things, and it is OK to be skeptical and afraid. Just take a deep breath, tell yourself Capitalism is a repressive exploitative system built on the suffering and misery of trillions of people just like you throughout history and believe in yourself.  We can do better and it starts with you and me and all of us just thinking and talking and organizing and at some point throwing things but we’ll get to that later.  Anyway when I think of transformation I think of transforming the conditions which encourage adaptation and sameness, and that means getting rid of Capitalism or any other “big idea” which acts like it can solve our problems for us. It is necessary to create the conditions in which we are free to transform ourselves without having to worry about fitting in to a model of life set in advance.  Freedom is on the other side of the chances we will not take and the dreams we will not utter.

If you are reading this please share, comment, like it if you like it or even if you don’t. My aim is more to have dialog rather than broadcast the thoughts which otherwise would be trapped in my head.